I thought this might be a good topic to blog about today: being real and living in the moment. In my life, I've managed to recognize both as being very desirable (and very missing, haha). But while I've recognized that genuine-ness and now-ness are things I really want to strive for, they've been VERY elusive so far.
Why? For the now-ness, maybe because I've made it a habit to sort of withdraw into my own head. A defense mechanism, I think - but makes it really hard to live in the now, 'cause you're always distracted, thinking about what you're going to do later, or what you did earlier that you still feel ashamed about because it "wasn't good enough," or even just some random song or a fake conversation you conjured up between you and someone who upset you, whom you'll never actually confront because you don't want to rock the boat... You get the picture. It could be anything. The point is that whatever it is, it's not the moment you're living in - which is the only thing you have any control over, really.
For the genuine-ness, it's back to the mask analogy. It's another defense mechanism, I'm guessing - I'm not a psychologist by any means, but it makes sense. It's something we learn to try to protect ourselves from something hurtful (rejection, perhaps). Like, even though I really think _____, I'm going to act like I think _____ instead because then this person will find me more acceptable. It's fear-based. It's the fear of not being liked or loved. The fear of not being accepted. The problem is, if you put on a mask to gain acceptance, then whoever's "accepting" you really isn't, because it's not really you. You can't win with this. The mask's protective features are just an illusion. It doesn't really protect you from rejection.
Really, it's just a way to deceive ourselves and those around us and create a false sense of peace. Maybe we try to do this because we don't think we can have the real thing. Real peace. But we can. It's just hard. And maybe we're afraid of that - maybe we think we're not strong enough to endure the trials that come with real peace. For example, if you insist on being yourself even around people who disagree with you, you will be disliked. Maybe even hated. It's a scary thing to think about for a lot of us - myself included. But I think everyone knows deep down that it would be well worth it. We're just afraid to let go and step out, you know? I am, anyway.
But if we let our fear hold us back, in reality the mask ends up being more harmful than the pain we think we're avoiding, because the mask steals our life away. Precious time passes by and disappears forever, and even though we were physically present, that time feels lost and wasted, because really we weren't being ourselves - we were acting. In my case, I feel like even though I'm twenty-five, I haven't spent very much of that time really living as myself. It was a facade. And whenever I pause and look back on a span of time and recognize that I was wearing the mask again, I feel this almost-overwhelming sense of sadness and grief. And I think, every moment is a precious piece of my life - this brief time on earth that God has granted to me - and there goes another chunk of it, wasted and lost to the lie.
It feels AWFUL! So why is it so hard to change, since it feels so bad and living in the moment feels so AMAZING AND FULL AND RICH? I don't know, honestly. My counselor has told me that people are drawn to what is familiar to them. That comfort zones don't necessarily have to be comfortable to attract a person and essentially hold them back from stepping out and making a positive change. It may not be entirely logical, but I guess it's how we're wired. Stick to what we know. Maybe it's because it's easier, and we're lazy. Who knows the full answer? All I know is, this is something worth whatever effort it takes to change, because I have tasted the genuine, in-the-moment life, and let me tell you - not only does it feel good, even in the hard times, because of the simple REALNESS of it... it's also where you find God. And that is where you get to the real fullness of life. The joy. The peace. The power. It's awesome.
But think about it. God isn't in the future - I mean, he is, but not in a way that you can relate to him. Same thing for the past. You can't change the past, and you have no control over what isn't happening yet. But you can make choices IN THE MOMENT and that is where you can feel God moving and guiding and teaching you. That is where you can observe God's work in your life and in the lives of those around you.
And another thing I've noticed - I'm not so good at remembering things. And I think this can be attributed to the fact that when I was experiencing the thing, whatever it may be, I was at least partially distracted and not fully present, mentally and emotionally and spiritually speaking. So my observational skills were crippled. I wasn't entirely attentive to what was taking place, and I quickly forget the details because I didn't really take them in. (Because I was trying to block them out, maybe, out of habit? Back to the defense mechanism theory for a second - maybe this is why we first start all of this withdrawing into our minds business. Because whatever's really happening, we don't want to cope with it, or we actually can't - maybe we don't have the capacity yet to deal with whatever it is - perhaps it started when we were very young - who knows? Something like that, maybe?) But anyway, when you really live in the moment, and make conscious, genuinely-YOU choices, not only is it easier to look back later on and remember what happened... but also it's easier to look back without regrets. For me, this is a common scenario - I'm going through the day kind of half-present in the moment, if that. Half might be generous. Anyway. I look back on my day later and feel guilty for not being more real and in the moment. I feel bad about the wasted pieces of my life. I let these feelings drag me down. And then you know what I'm doing? I'm missing out on the present now-ness again because I'm distracted by thoughts about how I missed the present now-ness earlier on. STUPID! But I do it all the time! Haha, we can be so ridiculous sometimes when we stop to think about it.
But at least I'm recognizing it. At least, slowly, I'm figuring out how to change. To retrain myself and tear down my defense mechanisms one piece at a time.
What are your thoughts on being real and living in the moment? Do you struggle with these things like I do? What are some things you've learned that have helped you retrain yourself?
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