My "Becoming"

So... I thought I'd start up a new blog today, for several reasons. I like writing. It helps me identify what I'm going through. Something about the process of taking feelings and circumstances and putting them into words really helps me come to a deeper understanding of what's going on and what I need to do about it in order to get where I want to be. I've been going through some pretty intense stuff lately, and my life has really been changing (for the better); so I thought it might be wise to write out my experiences and revelations, firstly so I can remember what I've learned and stay on track, and secondly because this stuff is definitely worthy of being shared, at least in my opinion. I figure there's a good chance that the stuff I'm learning from the things I'm struggling through right now could really help some other people that find themselves in similar circumstances.

And there it is. My reason for writing the blog. Plus, I like fresh starts. I have an old blog I haven't posted on in quite a while, and at first I considered going back and just continuing on that one, but then I got to thinking about it and what I want to write about now is... well, it just seemed worthy of having its own blog, that's all.

So this blog is about my "becoming." And in case that just sounds totally weird and doesn't make sense, allow me to explain what I mean. I'm one of those people who can't seem to figure out who I am. I don't know what I think about a lot of things, or how I feel in certain situations. I don't really understand how I relate to God and other people and the world around me. I've felt stuck, trapped in this kind of half-life, for a long time; semi-existing but (almost) always distracted and (almost) never intentional. I find it almost IMPOSSIBLE to live in the moment.

I have this mask that I've put on - a mask that I wear to get people to like me more. To gain acceptance. It's gotten to the point where it's just automatic. Even though I've identified the mask as not me, and not how I want to live, it's almost like it just takes over. Like I'm on autopilot. To keep the original analogy going, as weird as this sounds, it would be like a mask you discovered and put on initially to protect yourself, but then after a while it sort of came to life and started putting itself on you. Without you doing anything. It just happened. And it got to the point where the mask was all you were. And it's awful, because you know it's not the real you, but somehow you can't help wearing it. And the real you doesn't even seem like a solid concept anymore. Which goes back to what I was saying earlier about not knowing what you really think about this or that, or how something makes you feel. It's essentially a lack of identity.

If you read that and know exactly what I'm talking about, then you're the reason I'm writing this in a blog instead of in a personal journal. I know there have got to be a lot of people out there struggling to "become," as I am, so I thought, since I'm finally beginning to identify what's going on and shift towards moving out of that "stuck" place, I might as well share what I'm learning.

And that's it. I think that's a decent introduction, so I'll leave it at that for now. Hopefully I'll be somewhat consistent about keeping up with this. We shall see. No promises, though. Consistency is NOT one of my strong points. :)

Peace out, for now.